Again & Again

The dreams keep coming.  Reconciliation.  Falling in love.

Was I ever out of love?

But I wake up and realize how much I was hurt, how the anger still clings to me, little thorns digging in and growing roots.  I don't know if I can ever stop being angry and hurt except in those dreams.  Those dreams that make me ache and wish to go back.

Why does this still hurt?

Time heals nothing.  Time only blurs memories and confuses things.

Is it wrong that I do love him,
but still miss you so fiercely?

How can I still miss you after all this time?
And yet I see your picture, and you're a stranger to me; someone I never loved.
But then I think I hear your voice, or smell your skin, and I can't help but remember.

Why must "healing" be such an interminable process?

missing you
is like missing a ghost
that no longer haunts you

It was supposed to be over

I feel like I'm forever a teenager, pining for someone I'll never have.

But I did. I had you.

I miss you less with each day, and still I find you in my dreams.  How can I dream of you after so long?

I think sometimes when I wake up that I'm really just missing who you used to be, when we were together, and that if we saw each other now, everything would be too changed.  We would be so different, we couldn't even be friends.  We would just look at each other and ask, "Who are you?"

Sometimes I wonder that of myself.  "Who are you?  Where did you go?"

Where did you go?  Are you happy there?



Now I sound like you, that very last night.  "Tell me you're happy without me, and I'll move on."

I never wanted to move on, I never wanted you to move on.  It just felt like that was what needed to happen, didn't it?  I couldn't have been the only one calling the shots.

But then, maybe I was.  Maybe I didn't try hard enough when we said we'd try again.  Maybe I gave up too quickly.  But you're so damn hard.



I still miss you.

And then there was a dream, and I suddenly remembered all the things I had forgotten.  I only had to wonder where they had come from.

How can you ask someone for something when you have nothing to offer them in return?