You were right
What you said to me
that day
About how
I live in my own world
How
I let no one in
It's true
I'll admit that
Letting them in
Takes a lot out
of me.
But you missed
the most important thing.
That you
made it deeper
than all the others
put together.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
About you, not for you.
I've returned to that state of anger, but its strangely different this time. I'm mad about things I never thought I would be mad about, and yet I've been losing sleep over it.
To say the least, I feel used; I was dragged around as if she cared for too long, when I think we both knew full well her love disappeared in my absence.
To tell me I didn't know how to be together... When she so blatantly told me she needed to maintain her autonomy. There is no pleasing her, least of all when she is actually asked for anything more than her presence. But a presence doesn't give emotional support; that hand to hold won't always suffice--as if it was ever there anyway.
So, while it might prove my hardest task yet, my newest resolution is to move on. There is nothing left in the past, nothing worth dwelling on. The best that can come is energies directed to something more useful; so many artworks float through mt head, all about her, none for her. And maybe that will prove to be my healing, maybe that can vent my frustration enough for me to be set free of all the dead weight and never return to this pitiful point.
I will always miss that love, short lived though it was. But she was right--settling is not an option.
To say the least, I feel used; I was dragged around as if she cared for too long, when I think we both knew full well her love disappeared in my absence.
To tell me I didn't know how to be together... When she so blatantly told me she needed to maintain her autonomy. There is no pleasing her, least of all when she is actually asked for anything more than her presence. But a presence doesn't give emotional support; that hand to hold won't always suffice--as if it was ever there anyway.
So, while it might prove my hardest task yet, my newest resolution is to move on. There is nothing left in the past, nothing worth dwelling on. The best that can come is energies directed to something more useful; so many artworks float through mt head, all about her, none for her. And maybe that will prove to be my healing, maybe that can vent my frustration enough for me to be set free of all the dead weight and never return to this pitiful point.
I will always miss that love, short lived though it was. But she was right--settling is not an option.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
In one more day
I have come to terms with the fact that I will always love her.
It is therefore permissible to say that all of my anger, all of my hatred, is a product of jealousy and want.
I think it is also sufficient to believe that all of the sadness and anger and contempt in my current position were caused not by poor circumstances--I'm getting by, am I not?--but instead by the flood of emotions stirred by her.
It comes to my attention that maybe she has done the same as I, having forced herself to see the bad only, to make herself feel antipathy towards me, in order that she might get along without me.
But its a far stretch, I realize, and if my hypothesis be proved wrong, so be it. Tomorrow is another day; that day presents the contingency of infinite opportunity, and those opportunities I cannot fail to take.
Despite my theatrics, the future hinges on that taking.
It is therefore permissible to say that all of my anger, all of my hatred, is a product of jealousy and want.
I think it is also sufficient to believe that all of the sadness and anger and contempt in my current position were caused not by poor circumstances--I'm getting by, am I not?--but instead by the flood of emotions stirred by her.
It comes to my attention that maybe she has done the same as I, having forced herself to see the bad only, to make herself feel antipathy towards me, in order that she might get along without me.
But its a far stretch, I realize, and if my hypothesis be proved wrong, so be it. Tomorrow is another day; that day presents the contingency of infinite opportunity, and those opportunities I cannot fail to take.
Despite my theatrics, the future hinges on that taking.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
And on to something new?
Futility.
All it ever was.
If I can succeed, succeed in forcing myself to remember the bad, remember the things I've lost along the way, remember unhappy times and immeasurable stresses, remember all things negative...
Maybe then I can begin to move on.
Saturday will be telling.
Until then, in these next 48 hours, I will wait in agony.
Forcing myself to do this, knowing that in the end this will be the best thing for both of us.
Forgive me my petty spite. I wish you the best.
Promise.
All it ever was.
If I can succeed, succeed in forcing myself to remember the bad, remember the things I've lost along the way, remember unhappy times and immeasurable stresses, remember all things negative...
Maybe then I can begin to move on.
Saturday will be telling.
Until then, in these next 48 hours, I will wait in agony.
Forcing myself to do this, knowing that in the end this will be the best thing for both of us.
Forgive me my petty spite. I wish you the best.
Promise.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
To realize
I've been going about it all wrong.
Making everything about logic, wanting, needing to find answers as if they would materialize.
There are no answers, not to this puzzle.
And if there are, they're only biological. Beyond that, its out of control, because try as we might, we are nearly incapable of controlling our own emotions.
Making everything about logic, wanting, needing to find answers as if they would materialize.
There are no answers, not to this puzzle.
And if there are, they're only biological. Beyond that, its out of control, because try as we might, we are nearly incapable of controlling our own emotions.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
For once...
I'm beginning to doubt.
The way you loved me.
Would it have happened so fast if you had?
For the first time I doubt your love. Eight years.
Was I a fool?
This will take time. And I'm not sure my stomach is large enough to swallow it all.
Now all the pieces are missing.
The way you loved me.
Would it have happened so fast if you had?
For the first time I doubt your love. Eight years.
Was I a fool?
This will take time. And I'm not sure my stomach is large enough to swallow it all.
Now all the pieces are missing.
And its official...
All of this.
This is the end. My stomach is in my chest and my heart is in my feet and my mind sailed out the window just a short time ago.
And I have no one to talk to but her. Because no one else could possibly understand, but how does one explain themselves in this situation?
And she speaks to me as if we never happened, as if I'm not as fragile as I once was... Only now I'm more fragile than ever, holding onto something that could never be.
...I think I may vomit.
It hasn't hurt this much in years.
This is the end. My stomach is in my chest and my heart is in my feet and my mind sailed out the window just a short time ago.
And I have no one to talk to but her. Because no one else could possibly understand, but how does one explain themselves in this situation?
And she speaks to me as if we never happened, as if I'm not as fragile as I once was... Only now I'm more fragile than ever, holding onto something that could never be.
...I think I may vomit.
It hasn't hurt this much in years.
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