Despite it all

Back to square one.

I thought I was done.

Apparently nothing is ever done for good.

So much can change in a matter of minutes, but really, so much of the same.

It has changed, I know that much. But something is still there, and that's what frightens me. These tears aren't the same, but tears nonetheless, appendages of what scarred tissue remains of my heart.

And a part of me wants to pursue this, this other realm.
But part of me wants to let go forever.

And terribly enough, part of me wants to go back.

I know there is no going back, it could never be the same.

But ultimately, I know I would jump back in. Despite it all. Despite the fights. Despite the miscommunication (or rather lack thereof). Despite all of the ways in which we are completely incompatible and I know deep down should be enough to compel me to want to find another, someone who will be what I need, and yet...

Maybe I'm too tired.

Maybe so many hours in such close proximity, that proximity which we used to share so intimately, has skewed my brain and made my rationale fuzzy. Maybe I'm only willing because its all I know at this point. How does one take a ride without touching? How does one change their clothes with the door closed after another has seen them at their most vulnerable for 5 years?

Its not erasable.

And maybe that's why so many people cut off all contact.

You can't go back. What's done is done, and you can only make the best of the present to make any sort of future.

I'm not making plans this time, but I will hope for the best.
Whatever that is.

Why does love always catch you by surprise?

And why does no one ever speak up at the same time?


Amazing that two people could ever come together at all.